An Attempt to Defend the Life of an Artist: A Message of Mostly Failure (plus some design work)

First things first: I did a shiny new logo for UnScene Comedy, which you should go to. It's pretty much the greatest. Also, I did a couple of logos for awesome comedian, Kyle Ploof's new podcast. Listen to it and be amazed. Now, here's a thing I wrote, because sometimes I just need to write things.


An Attempt to Defend the Life of an Artist as Written by an Unemployed Loser: A Message of Mostly Failure

You tend to settle down a bit with age, right? I went from being an angsty, fiery, angry punk rocker to an angsty, fiery, jaded, sad person. I removed punk rocker from the equation because back in the day, I used to think everyone was stupid except for punk kids, but later in life, I begrudging realized that I was indeed incorrect. Everyone is stupid except for me. (For the record, I still think boys with tattoos and good taste in music are super hot, I just don't respect them.) I've come a long way, baby!

I suddenly seem to be "at that age" where every single one of my friends has decided to get married at the same time. It's been making me think...About them, about me and the state of my life in comparison to theirs. Seeing all my old friends all dressed up and dapper except 10 years older almost reminds me of a sort of twisted school dance...it was the prom, the Prom of Broken Dreams. Lots of people settled down and no one really got what they wanted, but they seem to be okay with it. A lot of them are genuinely happy. I'm happy for them, but I barely know where I fit into the equation. I don't even have a job right now.

It's an odd feeling when everyone is moving forward and you are standing still. Honestly, I didn't even know that's what was happening until everyone I knew got married at the same time. I was busy being misanthropic, tortured artist or what is more commonly know as, a drunk. I look back and think, did I do something wrong? It feels like this is the only probable course that life could have taken me. I tried to want and do the things I was supposed to, but it turns out normalcy is just not my strong suit. Who knew someone with a massive rubber duck collection and a wrist watch made of Legos wouldn't have their life together by 27? Go figure.

Maybe it's a bit defeatist, but I sort of feel like a failure most of the time. I know I'm not. I'm doing cool things and have had some amazing experiences. I've had a chance to work with people who I greatly admire. I did design work for bands I was crazy about since high school. I slept in an abandoned apartment on a hardwood floor when I was traveling with my friend's band in NYC. I smoked a joint with the dancing guy from the Mighty Mighty Bosstones. I've gotten to perform with some amazing and talented comedians, and have been subsequently made fun of by those same amazing comedians. I've gotten away with some really illegal things and gotten in trouble for some really dumb things. All in all, a good portion of my life thus far was really fucking cool and totally worth it. In short, my 16 year old self would think I was amazing.

How do I feel about myself now? Terrible, but that's usually just as a result of consuming enough 5hour Energy and shitty herbal mood enhancer to kill an elephant. I'm just a person, trying to do some things. I hope they work. The whole life of a creative person is not so glamorous once you're on the right side of it. It sucks. It's hard. All your old friends sort of just fade off into things that are more reliable. Your parents become more and more frustrated with you with each passing day. Then they start to insinuate things like, maybe the neighbor's pregnant daughter who still lives at home with them had the right idea, because it least now they'll have a grandchild...that's when shit starts to get real.

For the long time I wouldn't call myself an artist. I feel that it's a thing you have to earn. I didn't think I fit into any specific category, so whatever I did, didn't count. Now, I don't really know what else to call myself. I just hope that somewhere being an all purpose creative counts. That or I should just admit that I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing with my life. Is there a word for confused aspiring comedian/designer/illustrator/writer/food blogger/media whore? I imagine that would be a lot faster to say than the aforementioned. That's why I love the German language. They just smash a bunch of smaller words together into one giant word. It's more efficient. Also, they invented the word for my favorite emotion, which is schadenfreude. Look it up. It's the best.

I digress. I've realized something about myself recently. Being discontent is pretty much the only reason I ever do anything. And drive, I guess. Actually, it more like I'm driven to keep my self from feeling discontent. Also, fear. That's a good portion of it. I never really feel like anything I do is quite good enough. Unhappiness is what fuels me. I couldn't give a damn of how I do in the corporate world, but as far as anything creative, I'm never quite satisfied. Contentment breeds complacency and since I'm rarely content (in truth, I'm a big fat baby,) I'm driven to try for something better, or at least less bad that I used to do.

My life isn't quite the way I thought it would be right now, but I don't regret anything. I'm still fucked up and confused but, regardless of my situation, that type of thing will never really go away for me anyway. I know what my personality is like. I'm a miserable bastard. I know if I went the traditional route with things I'd definitely would have been significantly unhappier. So that's it. I guess I've made my choice. Sorry, Mom and Dad! I'm never gonna be an astronaut! In the end, it really doesn't matter anyway. We're all gonna die of cancer.

<3
christa

In an act of sheer desperation, I have decided to become a web designer.

Bah, what am I doing with my life? In case you were wondering, I finally went back to school. So far it's been relatively enjoyable. Lucky for me, my current institute of learning is quaintly nestled between a dollar store and a sex shop, so I'm really learning the fundamentals. The thing about going back to school the second time, is that if you fuck it up (again) you look waaay dumber than you did the last time. The first time you were young and stupid, the second time you're just stupid. That's not quite my problem though. I did well in college, but admittedly, I was fucked up for a good 80% of the time. I was in school for art and design so being on various controlled substances was one of the key methods used to actually get anything done.

The reason I'm going back to school is that back in 2006, when I graduated, I had this cute little notion that the internet was a passing fad and that I could make a living as a print designer. HAHAHAHAhahhahah (sob). Now it's 2011, print is dead, Mark Zuckerberg stole privacy, Steve Jobs made it impossible to like anything before it was cool and I sold my integrity when I created a Twitter account.

So...I'm going back for web design. This time school is different. This time I'm coding. This time I actually have to be able to think. This time I have to (gasp!) pay attention. I seem to be the only one who has a hard time staring into oblivion for 8 hours a day. Maybe I have ADHD, you say. No, this one isn't my fault. I don't have a learning disability, I'm a monkey. More specifically, we're all biologically programmed to be hunters and gatherers. Running around, getting chased by saber tooth tigers and beating our potential mates into submission, etc. I could be into that. Foraging for food, sleeping outdoors, drinking Listerine because they won't let me in the liquor store anymore... Shit. I guess I'm more okay with being homeless than I thought.

When I went to my orientation the president of the school managed to mention Justin Beiber within the first 5 minutes of his opening speech. Let me tell you, there is nothing that will cause you to question your investment more than that...but that's just it. This world is made of idiots, a good portion of which are frequently on the internet and most of them want websites. So fine, idiots. You win. I'll build your damn websites and then I'll die a little inside...and maybe, if you're cool and I like you, I'll build you an awesome website, and maybe I won't hate myself that much and maybe I'll fill the void that's been eating away at my soul all these years, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. Being a hobo still seems like a pretty attractive option.

....Okay enough of that bitchfest. What I've got here is sweet little flyer I whipped up for my good buddy, awesome comedian and founder of UnScene Comedy, Shawn Carter. Also, I was drunk on one of his podcasts. Anyway, he's putting on a kickass show with some amazing comedians at the end of June. I have a sneaking suspicion that it will rock your face clean off! You should go. Seriously.



Signed,
the coolest person you've ever met to potentially get drunk on mouthwash.
- christa

From Regrettable One Night Stand to Toddler (Happy 2nd Birthday, Blog!)

My blog is two years old today! Holy crap! I've wasted a lot of everyone's time! Thanks, 10 followers for being cool enough to truly understand the breadth of my genius. You and yours will be spared when when I send a plague of locusts upon the earth and blood rains from the skies. Consider yourselves lucky.

This whole thing is not quite what I thought it would be initially, (basically just a place to post design work because I'm too lazy to frequently update my portfolio site) but I was, and am still having fun with it. I love to be able to show off my design work and it turns out, I've been deemed to be a relatively entertaining writer by my friends, who would definitely not lie to me in order to protect my feelings. Heh.

Anyway, having this thing has really facilitated getting me into comedy. I realized that for some reason, people seem to be interested in what I have to say, regardless of my lack of any sort of credentials and the fact that I have nothing interesting to say. It's safe to assume that basically everything that comes out of my mouth is pretty much tongue-in-cheek...which is great for comedy, but terrible for personal relationships, office politics and pretty much every other area of life.

So thanks guys! I'm stoked that you like my artwork and continue to commission me for things. Also, thanks to all my friends who've supported me in comedy, given me advice and helped me make the transition from fucking terrible, to terrible, to not that great. I hope one day to make it to mediocre. Ya gotta have dreams, folks!




Upcoming shows
12/9 Fody's, Nashua, NH
7pm doors, 8pm show

12/16 Nick's Comedy Stop, Boston
8pm




Cheers!
christa


Note:
The piece up top is a commission I did for my friend and awesome comedian Josh Gondelman. It's a fake album cover, based on an inside joke he has with his girlfriend. It will most certainly get him laid...and that my friends, is what life is about.

Something clever about double mint gum and twins and those old 80's commericals that in retrospect didn't really make much sense

Yegads! It's been a while hasn't it? I'm in the midst of doing my nautically themed zodiacs for Tall Ship Sexy, so I thought I'd give you a peak of what I've got in the works. I'm trying to make this a little different from the traditional versions of the zodiac. Gemini, of course, is by far my favorite. I'm a Sagittarius, so I've been trying to make that one super-awesome, but to be honest, it seems a bit lackluster to me. I was trying to go for centaur-pirate, but he ended up just looking like an English dandy, which is decidedly not piratey or manly or um... enticing in any way. Give me a centar with some muscles, that's what I say! Rawwr!...um actually...ewwww. I take that back. I need to stop faux lusting over mystical creatures, it's ruining my cred (and my ability to be taken seriously by the opposite sex).

In completely unrelated and unimportant news, my stand up grad show went really well! I got a bunch of laughs and everyone seemed to have a great time. This may be in part because a bunch of people were really drunk, but hell, I'll take what I can get. I'll be hitting up some more opem mikes in the area now that I'm slightly less busy. I'm still buried under a stack of commissions, but my family obligations are taken care of for the time being (my parent's care to visit, then my bro came to visit, then I went home for that bunny holiday,etc.). Man, if only I didn't have a full time job I'd be totally set with all the stuff I've got going! Ya know, except for the whole paying rent thing. Fuck it, I'll sleep when I'm dead.

cheers!
christa

I'll take the top half

Hey hey! Some actual finished work! Rock! This is a modification of my reverse mermaid print that is going to be used as a t-shirt for, you guessed it, Tall Ship Sexy magazine. Woooo! I've also got some nautical themed zodiac signs coming up for them as well. This project is a lot of fun because it incorporates all my favorite things...tattoo flash, giant squids, and the possibility of drawing some more titties.

So the thing is...with all these projects I have going on, plus the stand up, my life has been reduced to tiny scraps of paper that make absolutely no sense, to anyone but me. For example: I have a single post-it not reading bestiality. Yup, that's it. It's an idea for a joke I just wrote, that let me tell you, is incredibly classy. That and all the half scribbled ideas I have for my commissions, basically make me look like a schizophrenic. Now, not like I'm not used to people thinking I'm crazy, but usually it's that kind of "maybe that last drink was a bad idea" kind of crazy, not the "you need to be sedated and put into an institution" kind of crazy. The former, my friends, is significantly cooler...plus I'm being a productive consumer. Everybody wins!

I'll probably hit up a couple more open mikes this week (just did my first last Monday)....but I'm not posting where they are yet until I'm convinced I don't suck. Now, I'm not saying that I'm the greatest comedian ever, but I think I could give Carrot Top a run for his money....but mostly that's because I still have the ability to make facial expressions. I gotta say though, that guy's eyebrows are waxed beautifully.

Peace out cub scouts!
(Stay away from big black vans and men with candy.)

<3

christa

My most embarrassing post to date!

Hello all! In an effort to remind you guys that I am not, in fact, deceased, I have decided to post out of sheer force of will, with absolutely nothing of value. Huzzah! (Sorry I've had a bunch of work but nothing I can post yet...)

Anyway, did anyone realize that I AM A GIGANTIC NERD? Yeah, I hide it pretty well, but it's true. As evidence, I have posted my version of a couple of characters from my most favorite graphic novel/the amazing literary masterpiece, Scott Pilgrim. To all you who are not involved in dork circles, drawing other people's characters is pretty common practice.

Scott Pilgrim is a great graphic novel if you're dually a music/comic nerd like me. It's about a dude who's kind of a loser that's in a band and has a mysterious and kind of aloof girlfriend....also he has to battle all of her evil ex boyfriends...ninja style! Awesome? I think so! Additionally, the writer uses the word "awesome" pretty frequently, which just happens to be my favorite word (as evidenced by the previous sentence).

My apologies for nerding out on your for a minute there, but to my own credit, I like waaaay dorkier things, that right now, I am keeping to myself.

Next up: A real post with real work...eventually! I promise!


As a side note, Scott Pilgrim is being made into a movie directed by Edgar Wright (cool) with Micheal Serra as Scott (lame) and will be out sometime this year. If you are interested in the SP series, go to the author, Brian Lee O'Malley's site.

http://www.scottpilgrim.com/

<3 xta

You scumbag! You maggot! You cheap lousy faggot! Happy christmas your arse I pray god it´s our last!

Merry Christmas friends, foes, facebook stalkers, jealous lovers and random acquaintances! I've never been big on the whole jesus thing but the whole concept of being nice to people for absolutely no reason other than it's snowing out works for me! Eat too much, drink too much and get some cool shit!

<3
xta

I'm not sad, I just live in Boston

Hey guess what? Mark Lind's album is now being sold at Newbury comics. Awesome! This is the first album I've done that's made it into an actual store. Go me! Even though I already have a copy, I sort of feel like I want to go visit it there, just for the hell of it. Does that make me insane or narcissistic or both? My guess is both.

In other news, I'm still doing a bunch of back-end work here, getting my Esty site all shiny and pretty for the holidays. In addition to doing some hair pieces (which I'm sure all the dudes who read this are are incredibly excited about) I'm also doing a new round of prints and I must say, they kick some serious ass!

Also, I updated my portfolio website. Woo! Initially, I was going to change the entire format, but in lieu of my job/other job/social life/need for sleep, I decided against it. It's finally up to date though and I don't have to keep telling people to go to my Myspace page like an teenage girl with an absentee father and a webcam. I'm a professional!

What I've got up today is a random doodle from my sketchbook. I like it a lot, so I think I'm going to sell it as a print. It's kind of a pseudo self portrait.*

Disclaimer: I know this looks really gothy but, I am not, nor ever have been a goth. This specifically references back a few months ago WHEN IT RAINED THE WHOLE GODDAMN SUMMER. If you live on the east coast I'm pretty sure you can feel my pain. I had to wear that raincoat every damn day...

It's 106 miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses

Uuugghooooooohhhmannnsweetbabyjesusgod!* Yup, that's how my weekend was. Per usual everyone played an amazing set on Friday and good times were had by all.

What I've got posted today is something I've had sitting around for awhile but kind of forgot about. In addition to the Unloved's new album, I also created a quick logo for the name Mark's using to put it out under, State Line Records.

Anything else else coming up on the horizon? Hell yes! It just so happens that I'll be gearing up for the holidays, just like all those other miserable corporate bastards, to sell some shit. (Eloquence is my forte, folks.) Anyway, I'm expanding my Etsy site! I'll be putting up a few new prints soon and (drum roll please) accessories! Woo! (Look, I'm pretty sure mostly dudes read this thing, but seriously, Christmas/Hanukkah/whatever is coming up and I'm sure you've got some fine ladies at home. You can bet your ass they'll want some high quality handmade items by a local artist, such as myself. Also, I saved a puppy from a burning building once...you should mention that as well.)

Okay, enough asides. I'm starting to feel a little schizophrenic. More to come soon!

<3
xta




*Translation: I had an awesome/insane/unforgettable weekend. Also, who's clothes am I wearing? I'm pretty sure they aren't mine...